Warm up with cold humor

Mann Overboard

Bill Mann
Posted 2/20/19

We’ve had more snow around here lately than in many years. Stores closed, no mail, etc.

But, as my wife keeps pointing out, it’s nothing compared to what we dealt with when we lived in …

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Warm up with cold humor

Mann Overboard

Posted

We’ve had more snow around here lately than in many years. Stores closed, no mail, etc.

But, as my wife keeps pointing out, it’s nothing compared to what we dealt with when we lived in Montreal. Seventeen inches of snow in one day was not unheard of.

It usually took 20 minutes to dress our infant son just to go out to the corner store. That’s partly why we finally decided to leave that lovely cosmopolitan Canadian city we loved and relocate to faraway Honolulu!

I’d spent my youth on an Army base on the side of Diamond Head; I wanted to go back.

Plus, I could get paid to watch TV in Hawaii, my beat for the Honolulu morning daily newspaper. Nice gig, huh?

But before we left snowy Quebec, I knocked out a book (a modest bestseller north of the border) of Canadian jokes and humor. From my chapter on Canadian weather:  

— It’s so cold people jump INTO burning buildings (rim shot).

— What do you call a Canadian who forgets to carry jumper cables? A pedestrian.

— It’s so cold I saw people huddling next to pictures of the Nixon family for warmth.

— Tilted-head dept.: Did you know that our Coast Guard’s motto is Semper Gumby? Really. Neither did I, until recently. It means “always flexible” — a good name for a yoga studio. Go on the interwebs and search if you don’t believe me.

— Morning humor: Comedian Stephanie Miller, daughter of Barry Goldwater’s 1964 running mate, may have a solid GOP pedigree, but she long ago jumped ship. Her radio show is the funniest thing going in the a.m. these days — you can get it on Chicago’s WCPT radio, Sirius, and also Free Speech TV. It features some of the funniest coinages around. Examples:

Miller calls the “Fox and Friends” morning trio “Couch Tumors.” She refers to Donald Trump Jr. as “Traitor Tot.”

Another funny erstwhile Republican is former GOP strategist and TV pundit Rick Wilson. His bestselling book, “Everything Trump Touches Dies,” is about to come out in paperback — it’s the funniest thing I’ve read the past year in this, the golden age of political comedy.

— She’s lost it again: God knows there are plenty of folks to be concerned about. But you know who I’m really worried about? Marie Osmond.

According to the latest Nutri-System ads, Marie’s lost 50 pounds. Again.

The poor dear must be wasting away. Wonder if she has to run around in the shower to get wet.

— End words: I’ve just finished Monty Python’s Eric Idle’s funny new book, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.” That title, as you may know, is also the name of Idle’s sunny crucifixion song in “Life of Brian.” As Idle proudly mentions several times in the book, that ditty is now the most-played song at British funerals.

Along these mordant lines, let’s resurrect this memorable observation by estimable author Philip Roth, who checked out last May.

When someone asked the Pulitzer-winning novelist the cliched question, “What’s the meaning of life?” Roth replied: “It ends.”

Bill Mann of Port Townsend wrote a humor column for USA Today and was TV critic for three major dailies, only one of them in Hawaii.

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