Vox Populi: More Bogus Crime!

Bill Mann Mann Overboard
Posted 10/2/18

Thanks to all you readers for your positive feedback on my faux Crime Watch column last time. You wanted more, you got it:

—Police answered a complaint on Cosgrove Street about an elderly man …

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Vox Populi: More Bogus Crime!

Posted

Thanks to all you readers for your positive feedback on my faux Crime Watch column last time. You wanted more, you got it:

—Police answered a complaint on Cosgrove Street about an elderly man doing a loud Rolling Stones-like song on his front porch, “Hey You, Get Offa My Lawn.”

—Aside from picking up 8660 pounds of garbage along county roads, the Clallam County Sheriff’s Office Chain Gang also reported finding a full 100-gallon propane tank and nearby, what appeared to be a nuclear warhead. The latter was sent to Tacoma for investigation.

—Police investigated a report of a shrub burning next to the post office. The incident was what cops call a “Mount Sinai,” for Burning Bush.

—A man was cited for washing his clothes at a local car wash, and was levied an extra citation for mixing dark colors with whites.

—PTPD responded to a noise call on upper Quincy Street following reports that a man was walking around the neighborhood at 2 a.m. blowing a six-foot-long alpenhorn and loudly calling out “Ricola!”

—Police received a complaint that a local doctor was having sex with his patients. An investigation found that he was a tree surgeon.

—Police were called to the Carnegie Library after numerous complaints that a man was repeatedly putting a copy of “Art of the Deal” in the nonfiction section.

—A woman contacted local police after a group of Lyndon Larouche supporters posted an “Impeach Obama” sign at the post office.

—Police responded to complaints from several nauseous Port Townsend High School students that someone was playing Nickelback songs on the school P.A.

—Sheriff’s deputies responded to reports that a busker downtown was making obscene gestures with his didgeridoo.

—An irate man was reported holding up a sign at McDonald’s reading, “I Hate Pumpkin Spice.”

—Sheriff’s deputies responded to several complaints from a Port Hadlock neighborhood that residents in one house had been blasting Neil Diamond songs for over a month. One angry neighbor showed officers a recent Zillow report showing that real-estate values in the neighborhood had declined 25%.

—Officers answered a call about a woman in the North Beach area who had been feeding both deer and crows in her yard. She was ordered to take a psychiatric evaluation.

—A red-eyed local man was cited for driving while highly inebriated on cannabis. He received an additional citation for driving in town at an average speed of 7 m.p.h.

—A Polk Street resident contacted police after getting a pizza delivered that accidentally had pineapple placed on it. “If this isn’t a crime, I don’t know what is,” he told officers, who declined to press charges.

—Police questioned the owner of a car that had a bumper sticker reading, “Better Dead Than Bald.”

—Detectives investigated a local brokerage office after a customer complained he’d been sold $10000 in stock in a company called Amalgamated Hoax. The broker apologized and refunded the money, blaming it on a “clerical error.”

(PT resident Bill Mann has written the humor column for CBS MarketWatch and USA Today. He is on Twitter as @newsmann can be reached at newsmann9@gmail.com)

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