Senior comedy. Just. That. Easy.

Mann Overboard

Bill Mann
Posted 4/3/19

You probably knew that Jefferson County has the state’s highest median age.

What we oldsters badly need (even more than oatmeal) is a sense of humor.  Trust me on this...joking around …

This item is available in full to subscribers.

Please log in to continue

E-mail
Password
Log in

Senior comedy. Just. That. Easy.

Mann Overboard

Posted

You probably knew that Jefferson County has the state’s highest median age.

What we oldsters badly need (even more than oatmeal) is a sense of humor.  Trust me on this...joking around got me through three hospitalizations a while back and it made strong supporters of my doctors and nurses, who always can use laughs.

I collect and write jokes. So, are we ready for some really “old jokes”?  A mordant sense of humor won’t hurt, either.  Here we go:

From my “Why I Like Retirement” file:

—Q. Among retirees, what’s considered formal attire? A. Tied shoes.

—Q. Why don’t we retirees mind being called Seniors? A. The term comes with a 10% discount.

—Q. What's the advantage of taking courses as a retiree? A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

—Q. What do I do all week? A. Monday through Friday, nothing. On Saturday and Sunday, I rest.

From the Signs You’re Getting Older file:

—You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more than YOU do.

—You feel like the morning after — and you haven't been anywhere.

—You look forward to a dull evening.

—Your favorite part of the newspaper is “30 Years Ago Today.”

—You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks — and discover you aren’t wearing any.

—You think your flip phone is cutting-edge technology.

—Your body starts making sounds like a coffee maker.

—You wake up looking like your driver’s license photo.

—Most of the names in your address book start with “Dr.”

—You sink your teeth into a steak — and they stay there.

—You take a metal detector to the beach.

—At your last birthday party, the candles baked the cake.

—Half the stuff in your shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

—Your friend is dating someone a third his age— and he isn’t breaking any laws.

—You sing along with elevator music.

—You get excited about a tour of your neighbor’s linen closet.

—People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

—The only organ recitals you hear are other retirees talking about their latest operations.

—You once tried to start your car by putting the ignition key in the glove compartment.

—“Getting lucky” means finding your car in the Costco parking lot.

—You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”

—Sequim looks like the kind if place you’d take spring break.

—You finally get your head together — at the same time the rest of your body starts falling apart.

—You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

—People heedlessly talk about you — and you’re in the same room.

But wait...there’s more!

—The nice thing about being senile is you can hide Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

—My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

—The undertaker asked the very elderly widow how old her husband was. “98,” she answered. “Two years older than me”

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented?

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

Finally...

—“I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, I’m half blind and can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 30 different medications that make me dizzy and subject to blackouts. I have poor circulation and can’t feel my hands or feet anymore.

“But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!”

Pensioner and PT resident Bill Mann has written humor columns for USA Today and was a columnist for three major dailies. He’s at Newsmann9@gmail.com when not napping.

Comments

No comments on this story | Please log in to comment by clicking here
Please log in or register to add your comment