Port Townsend Crime Watch

Bill Mann Columnist
Posted 9/18/18

If I wrote the police reports, they’d go something like this …

A man called the PTPD and asked if anyone had lost a stack of $100 bills with a rubber band around them. When the officer asked …

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Port Townsend Crime Watch


If I wrote the police reports, they’d go something like this …

A man called the PTPD and asked if anyone had lost a stack of $100 bills with a rubber band around them. When the officer asked why, the caller laughed, “I found the rubber band.”

Someone was reported putting up posters around town promoting a concert by the State Home for The Criminally Insane Glee Club.

Several residents reported getting calls from scam artists claiming to be selling tickets for the Irish Spring Sweepstakes.

A woman reported a suspicious smell coming from just south of town. Police investigated a Mill Road business address.

A man reported to police that someone had broken into his home and removed his spleen with a pair of bolt cutters.

Police responded to a call about a break-in at the local McDonald’s. A suspect (whom police called “The Hamburglar”)  was arrested. He later claimed he was trying to steal the Secret Sauce recipe.

A man was detained for illegally posting lewd campaign signs around town for a nonexistent candidate named Richard Hertz.

A concerned local dentist contacted police about a patient who was swallowing everything he put in the patient’s mouth.

A  man was questioned for posting Obama-Biden campaign signs. He was given a psychiatric evaluation, and the therapist’s report stated, “He may be the sanest guy in town.”

A man was arrested in the Safeway parking lot for holding up a sign reading “Shave the Whales” and panhandling people for spare dryer sheets. He was sent to the local nervous ward for evaluation.

Police received a complaint from a local diner who said a snooty waiter at a trendy restaurant urged him to “try the squid in its own ink.” When told by police there was no law against superciliousness,  the diner took his complaint to Yelp.

A woman contacted Clallam County Sheriff’s department with a complaint about a strange sulfurous odor coming from the thermal pools at Sol Duc Lodge.

Police investigated a report of buskers playing loud solos on the Port Townsend ferry — with a full drum set and bagpipes.

A notice of infraction was issued to a man for heckling a female Rose Theatre employee who was introducing the upcoming film.

A report was received from an elderly, distraught Port Hadlock woman who claimed her car’s dashboard and steering wheel had been stolen. Deputies arrived on the scene and quickly solved the “crime:” She was sitting in the back seat.

Police responded to a call about a car that had driven off a pier at the Boat Harbor. The driver, cited for a DUI, told officers “I was just testing my windshield wipers.”

Several patients in a Jefferson County Hospital waiting room contacted police about a man performing elective surgery on himself. When police said they would have to hold him for psychiatric evaluation, the man shrugged, “Suture self.”

Officers answered a call from the Food Co-op about a disturbance caused when a man entered wearing a T-shirt reading “Gluten Powered.”

A report was filed with police by an indignant woman in Kala Point who wanted a man cited for wearing white after Labor Day.

Finally, best wishes on Yom Kippur for an easy fast to all our Jewish friends today.

(PT resident Bill Mann has written the humor column for USA Today and CBSMarketWatch.com. He’s newsmann9@gmail.com.)


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