Phony crime wave grips Port Townsend

Mann Overboard

Posted

I get so much cheap entertainment weekly out of The Leader’s Police and Sheriff’s Logs columns that every so often, I feel obliged to give something back. Here’s the latest installment of my Apocryphal Police/Sheriff’s Logs:

—PTPD received a report about two men selling a box of “Larouche 2020” T-shirts at the post office. 

—Officers were called to the downtown dock to investigate a complaint about one piece missing from an otherwise-completed jigsaw puzzle aboard the ferry. “We are still putting all the pieces together,” laughed one officer.

—Police received a report of counterfeit $18 bills being passed at a local store. “When these sketchy-looking guys asked if I had change for an 18,” laughed one cashier, “I asked if they wanted threes, sixes or nines.”

—Deputies responded to a complaint on Cosgrove Street that someone was playing a glockenspiel in the back of a pickup truck at 3 a.m. When the law arrived, the truck had merrily driven away.

—Officers responded to a report from a local dentist that an obviously impaired patient was swallowing everything she put in his mouth. Paramedics were summoned.

—PTPD was asked to verify whether a White People for Diversity rally was actually going to take place in town.

—Police investigated a complaint that a Tasmanian devil was running around the Mountain View dog park. Upon investigation, one officer said, “we determined that it was just a really ugly dog.”

—Officers were summoned following a report that a visibly distraught resident of an assisted-living facility was sitting in her car and having a panic attack. When officers asked the woman what was wrong, she told them thieves had stolen her car’s radio, gear shift and even the steering wheel. They informed her that she was sitting in the back seat.

—PTPD were told that a naked man was taking a shower in a local car wash. He was taken to the local nervous ward.

—Police received complaints of a man panhandling at a local grocery store and falsely claiming he was a war vet. Asked by one officer which war he fought in, the man answered “Crimean.”

—KPTZ staffers asked authorities what they should do with a box that was left outside their studios overnight. It contained  two dozen 8-track tapes of K.C. and The Sunshine Band with a note that read, “Get Down Tonight.”

—Sheriff’s deputies questioned a Brinnon man who was reportedly selling hospital masks at a local store, claiming they would prevent computer viruses.

—Officers responded to reports of a man wearing a tinfoil skullcap standing outside a downtown newspaper office shouting, “Take me to your Leader!” He was also escorted to the nervous ward.

—Less-club dept.; A Port Townsend man was arrested at Memorial Field after he used a driver to tee up golf balls and hit them out of the stadium, damaging cars parked at the far east end on Monroe Street. At his arraignment the judge deadpanned, “If you’d just used a 7 iron, you wouldn’t be here.”

—Animal Control responded to yet another item in Next Door about a local cougar spotting, this one on Hastings Street. They closed the investigation after questioning a 56-year-old woman and her 19-year-old male companion.

(PT resident Bill Mann has written humor for USA Today and was also a columnist at four major dailies. He can be reached at Newsmann9@gmail.com.)

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Bob W.

Lotsa them there cougars around, eh?

Great bits, Bill. Almost as funny as the logs themselves.

Wednesday, February 26
Ed S.

Thanks for the laughs, Bill. I especially liked the one about the 7 iron. Do not be surprised to find the police knocking on your door, demanding donuts and an autograph.

Friday, February 28