Gotcha Funny Pages Right Here

Bill Mann Mann Overboard
Posted 7/31/18

Today, I’ve decided to step up and try to fill the role of The Leader’s funny page.

AQUABRANDING: The name Mountain View Pool — and even its MVP nickname — sounds a bit flat, so this …

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Gotcha Funny Pages Right Here

Posted

Today, I’ve decided to step up and try to fill the role of The Leader’s funny page.

AQUABRANDING: The name Mountain View Pool — and even its MVP nickname — sounds a bit flat, so this swimmer has floated a couple of name/branding ideas to the pool staff.

How about the Les Clay Pool? Catchy, huh? Alas, the staff, which includes Primus fans, were not impressed.

OK, how about the Liver Pool? Also no dice. (Hope these guys like The Beatles.) My Gene Pool idea would probably sink, too.

MORE MOUNTAIN VIEWS: Crews have been painting the MV campus, and it looks rejuvenated. But did they really have to also paint that washed-out cougar, which still looks like a sand sculpture after high tide?

BOXING DAYS: How do you know it’s a slow snail-mail day in PT? Your mailbox doesn’t even contain deceptively packaged cremation (“You Won’t Be Here Forever”) or hearing-aid ads.

COOL SUMMER STAMPS: Speaking of mail, I love these the new scratch ‘n sniff Forever stamps with colorful popsicles that smell flavorful. Kids love them, although one postal employee here says she warns customers with fragrance issues about the latent scents. How very PT.

FUNNY MONEY? Zimbabwe has long had the world’s highest inflation rate, as I learned when my son up in Vancouver showed me a $1 million Zimbabwean banknote. Yow. But local resident Steve DeJarnatt, a film writer and director (his apocalyptic “Miracle Mile” is a big cult favorite in France) goes one better: He showed me a $10 Trillion (!) Zimbabwe bill. “It’s real currency,” insists the cinéaste.

COMEDY IN CHROME: While I was parked in the Safeway parking lot one day, a mega pickup rolled up next to me. One feature on its trim reminded me of a line from S.F. comic Will Durst: “Every time I see a car or truck with ‘4x4’ on it, I want to spray paint =16.”  Me, too.

Nationally syndicated radio medical call-in host, the puckish Dr. Dean Edell, a funny guy, does even better: “Did you ever look closely at the Dodge Ram logo?” chuckles Edell. “It looks just like that cross-section of the female reproductive system you see in school textbooks.” He’s right. Check it out.

A COOL IDEA: Given global warming and the increasing number of tourists I’ve seen at our Visitors’ Center from other parts of the country wanting to cool off, I am reminded of the small display ads another cool place, the city of San Francisco, once ran in newspapers around the country each summer. Sample ad: “Yesterday’s High Temp. in S.F.: 68 Degrees.” If it worked for S.F. summer tourism — and it did — it might also work for PT, which recently got praise from my alma mater, USA Today.

HIGHER BIGFOOT LEARNING: A casino ad in one local paper recently caught my eye. It announced a four-hour “Sasquatch Symposium.” Presumably a non-credit course.

CASINOS, PART DEUX: Bonneville Broadcasting is owned by —who else? - the Mormon Church. Bonneville owns Seattle top-rated radio stations, KIRO-AM (sports talk, Mariners, Seahawks) and KIRO-FM (newstalk). A friend who works for Bonneville reveals this quirky fact: “As you’ve heard on the air, both our stations run lots of casino ads. The LDS church is OK with that. But for some reason I’ve never understood, they don’t allow lottery ads.”  Pretty strange, all right.

Which reminds me of mega-investor Warren Buffett’s funny take on lotteries:  “A tax on stupidity.”

Finally, both KIRO Stations are also running ads for a male-sterilization physician who calls himself  “Dr. Snip.” Which brings up a classic line about the definition of macho: A guy who jogs home after his vasectomy.

(PT resident Bill Mann has written humor columns for USA Today and CBSMarketWatch.com Newsmann9@gmail.com)

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