Editor's note: (This week’s Mann overboard was lost in transmission. We are publishing it online to satisfy the Manniacs in our readership. Custodians of those Manniacs allergic to online surveillance can be calmed with the nose that they will find the column in their print edition on May 8)
Here’s the latest chapter in my ongoing series of apocryphal local Police Logs:
—Police questioned a panhandler at the Marine Science Center holding up a sign reading “Shave The Whales.”
—Officers responded to a report of a man playing a piano lashed to a kayak near Point Wilson. The Coast Guard was notified.
—A woman in Kala Point reported an attempted scam by someone claiming she'd won the Irish Spring sweepstakes.
—Sheriff’s deputies checked out a report of a man in Port Hadlock walking a dungeness crab on a leash, but could not locate them.
—PT police were called to the Co-Op where a man was causing a disturbance after complaining he couldn’t find any gluten-free car wax. He was escorted to the local nervous ward for evaluation.
—A local motorist was cited on Monroe Street for a noise violation for allegedly playing Slim Whitman albums at full blast in a residential neighborhood.
—The police received numerous reports that a man was selling red MAGA hats out of a Humvee on Upper Sims Way. The alleged perp had left by the time police arrived. Authorities suspect it was the same man had been selling Confederate flag bumper stickers and Klan merchandise in Brinnon the day before.
—Sheriff’s deputies arrested a man at the county courthouse for selling popcorn and peanuts during a murder trial.
—Police responded to a complaint that a car at a local supermarket parking lot had two Komodo dragons in the front seat. The vehicle’s owner said he’d gone into the store to look for pet food.
—Deputies answered a call about a distraught man at the main post office weeping after being told Lyndon Larouche had died. He agreed to pack up his posters showing Barack Obama in a Hitler mustache and leave.
—Two Irondale men were arrested at a local convenience store after a loud argument that threatened to become a fistfight. Suspects were booked into jail as “More Taste” and “Less Filling.”
—Sheriff’s deputies questioned a Chimacum man for repeatedly firing a shotgun in the air at an EA-18G Growler aircraft 2000 feet overhead. He claimed he was protesting the noise.
—Sheriffs responded to a trespassing report at the front gate of a local military installation. Protesters were demanding the facility be renamed Indigenous Peoples Island Naval Magazine.
—Police were called to Doc’s at Point Hudson after a man had shown up repeatedly demanding medical treatment.
—PTPD officers investigated a report that someone had altered a local radio station’s sign to read “KPUTZ.”
—Authorities were alerted to numerous reports of a doctor having sex with his patients. Officers arrived on scene and discovered that the man was a tree surgeon.
— Health Department officials were called to check out reports that an Irondale bait and tackle shop had begun operating as a sushi restaurant.
—Sheriff’s deputies detained a Port Ludlow man after reports that he had hundreds of stolen 8-track tapes in his car. Scores of K.C and The Sunshine cartridges were found.
—Police questioned a transient who kept showing up at the Emergency Room claiming he had Groat’s Disease. Police Googled and found the TV-inspired fictitious ailment, then sent him off for psychiatric evaluation.
—A report was received of a local man who had shown signs of self-harming. When deputies arrived, the man was severely disoriented. Questioned by officers about his injuries, he said he had recently binge-watched 200 episodes of “The Apprentice.”
(Well-traveled journalist and PT resident Bill Mann has written humor columns for USA TODAY and CBSMarketWatch.com. He’s been a columnist at the Montreal Gazette, Honolulu Advertiser, Oakland Tribune and San Francisco Examiner)