Bill Mann

— A virological promenade? One of the oddest sights I’ve seen in PT lately: A woman outside QFC, carrying a large green replica — I hope it was a replica — of the coronavirus. It was the size of a large workout ball. It got my attention. I grabbed my mask. Anyone know what that was? 

— Comic Larry Brown jokes, “Masks are a lot easier to wear if you just poke a few holes in them.” (Hey, he was just kidding!) Speaking of masks, another comic asks on Twitter, “Do Trump supporters complain about reduced oxygen intake when their Klan leader tells them to put on the hood?” 

— So, will masked balls soon be back in style? I hope they feature Verdi’s elegant “Un ballo in maschera.”

— More masking: This from the KPTZ Twitter feed: “They said a mask and gloves were all that was required at the grocery store. They lied. Everyone else had clothes on.” Rim shot! And even as voracious a radio listener as I am, I never thought I’d tune in any station to hear a county health officer. But that’s what I do each Monday morn at 9:45 on KPTZ. Dr. Thomas Locke here is a fount of valuable updates and local information on the pandemic. 

— More worthwhile listening: Al Franken, on his entertaining weekly podcast: “I am a member of the LGBTQ community. I’m half a B.” 

— Comic Mike Dugan: “Anyone else notice that the turn signal on Trump’s golf cart has been on the last three years?” Also: “Does Guantanamo have a Presidential suite?” 

— Comics are what have greatly helped me to get through the last three years of disaster in Washington, D.C. and the pandemic. Comedians like David Feldman, who says, “Right about now, Mike Pence is probably wishing he were back in Indiana keeping gay couples from buying wedding cakes.” 

— Speaking of that state, this admission: I’m a Hoosier native from a hard-core Republican family. But that’s long past. Middle Age Riot, on Twitter: “Today’s Republican Party is not your parents’ Republican Party, unless your parents were rapists, pedophiles, criminals, Nazis, wife-beaters, tax-evaders, morons, or Russian agents.” Um, no.

— Baseball is back. This is supposed to be good news? As someone who once covered Major League Baseball both as a sportswriter and sports editor — as witness the column I did here on doing the last-ever interview with the legendary Jackie Robinson — I can say I haven’t missed the snail’s-pace sport. Not one bit. 

— Now that Phase 3 is upon us, church services may return to normalcy. Author Michael Krasny has a funny line about worshippers in his book about agnostics: “Hear about the agnostic family who moved into an all-Evangelical neighborhood? They burned a question mark on their lawn.” 

My San Francisco pal Krasny is also author of a well-received book, “Let There Be Laughter: A Treasury of Great Jewish Humor,” which this gentile highly recommends. Krasny includes a funny summertime joke: “Three Jews invented air conditioning: Hi, Max and Norm.”

— I believe this gag is recycled, but it’s a classic. A white supremacist, a sex offender, and a traitor walk into a saloon. Bartender: “What’ll it be, President Trump?” 

— Finally, I always look forward to the Washington Post’s annual neologism contest, in which readers substitute clever alternate meanings for common words. My personal choice as this year’s best: 

- Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 

- Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

- Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you’ve been hit by a steamroller.

- Negligence: A condition where you accidentally answer the door in your nightgown. 

- Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddish. 

- Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline. 

- Lymph: To walk with a lisp. 

- Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash. 

And finally, my favorite this year: 

- Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 

(Local humorist Bill Mann has been a columnist at daily newspapers in San Francisco, Montreal, Oakland and Honolulu. You’re his latest victims. Newsmann9@gmail.com)