Bill Mann

Possibly obligatory New Year’s resolutions: 

— I will NOT drop an anvil on my foot again next year.

— I WILL burn or destroy any and all 2020 calendars I see.

— I will NOT swear at my TV when Trump comes on, but I WILL change channels quickly. 

— I will NOT ask for a lollipop after my COVID shot when I get one. 

— I will NOT ask a staffer at the Co-Op where to find Cheez Whiz.

— I will NOT post signs on Red Box kiosks saying, “Warning: All these movies are utter crap.” 

— I WILL try to resist the urge to try to sneak across the Canadian border to see my son and grandkids in Vancouver. 

— I WILL try not to prejudge anyone who leaves their Christmas lights up until June. 

— I will NOT ask the cashier “Are the vegetables organic?” when I go through the McDonald’s drive-thru line.

— I WILL try to make it through a whole week without putting my shoes on the wrong feet.

— I WILL NOT structure my life around Netflix during the pandemic. 

— I WILL continue to resist the urge to watch Fox News for a minute.

— I will NOT drive to Port Angeles to “savor the sights and sounds of The Big City.” 

— If I meet any little green men, I will NOT take them to our newsroom if they say, “Take me to your Leader.” 

— I WILL try not to write any more groaners like that last paragraph. 

— I WILL take up stamp collecting rather than watch baseball. 

— I WILL lose weight so I won’t have to have my shower curtain let out. 

— I will NOT let reading hospital lab reports take the place of reading books. 

— I WILL continue to try to avoid buying or watching anything with a Disney tie-in. 

— I WILL try to go a whole week without once leaving my mask in the car.

— I will NOT yell “Fore!” when I drive by the golf course. 

— I WILL pay fees to read more newspapers online instead of freeloading. 

— I will NOT drive up to Hurricane Ridge again and ask a ranger when was the last time a hurricane hit there.

— I WILL circle roundabouts only one time. 

— I WILL NOT ask again if they carry the New York Review of Books at the Penny Saver. 

— I WILL stop checking to see if there’s a cop hiding inside those white Your Speed traffic boxes. 

— As if 2020 weren’t bad enough, we’ve just had to say goodbye to Rascal, our beloved friend for
24 (!) years, possibly PT’s oldest cat. We’re looking for another adult kitty to adopt, so any leads will be gratefully accepted at the address below. 

— Speaking of little friends, since we can’t visit our grandkids, Face Time has been the gift that keeps on giving this year. As well as the Apple stock I’ve acquired. 

— You know you’re getting old ... if you miss Guy Lombardo on New Year’s Eve. 

(Leader humorist Bill Mann wishes you a far-better-than-2020 new year. Newsmann9@gmail.com.)