Some items NOT found in the police logs | Mann Overboard

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A few oddments left out of our regular police and sheriff’s calls:

— PT police were asked by a well-known, local, psychic exile where he could buy an air freshener for his bike.

— Park police were informed that a masked man was selling Centrum tablets at Fort Worden and yelling, “Hi ho, Silver!”

— Sheriff’s office was notified by a resident that a local business was illegally selling merchandise marked “No Sales Tax.”

— In Chimacum, animal control was asked to investigate reports of a man walking a pet wolverine. Their report said it was just “an unusually ugly dog.”

— Sheriff’s deputies in Port Hadlock answered a call about a man transporting a catalytic converter in a stolen shopping cart.

— PT police received reports that someone was spray painting “Sic Semper Tyrannis” on campaign signs.

— Police received reports of someone tearing the silly nameplates off poplars at the entrance to town and replacing them with signs reading “Timber,” “Willow,” “Marinara,” “Ivanka,” “Stumpy,” “Scotch Broomhilda,” “Timber!” and “Slash.”

— Port Hadlock deputies received a request to investigate car prowls being conducted by drones. 

— PT officers reported that some local teens had fashioned a giant Slinky and were repeatedly sending it down the Tyler Street stairs to Haller Fountain.

— Brinnon deputies investigated reports of a man attacking residents with a vacuum-cleaner attachment. He was escorted to the nervous ward.

— Deputies reluctantly responded to a report at the Discovery Bay links that a golfer was covertly kicking his ball down the fairway. One golfer said, “He’s pulling a Trump.” The lawless golfer was given a 200-stroke penalty.

— A man wearing a MAGA hat and holding a sign reading, “Bring Back The Rush Limbaugh Show!” at KPTZ was informed by an officer from nearby police headquarters that Rush had taken a long, long voyage to return his “talent on loan from God.”

— A distressed caller from the Boat Haven repeatedly told police he had “a sinking feeling.” He was escorted to the nervous ward.

— Police arrested an inebriated man staggering around downtown using No Parking signs as walking sticks.

— Moving Right Along … Not Clueless, this funny Twitter posting: “Colonel Catsup in the Dining Room with the militia.” A related tweet, over a picture of a broken plate: “Now we know what he meant by ‘No One’s Tougher on China Than I Am’” 

— Luckily, Canadian politics is far more civilized than our own (then again, whose ISN’T?). And David Eby, up in our neighbor British Columbia, exemplifies it. He’s the province’s current, respected Attorney General. Our son lives in his riding (district) in Vancouver and has worked for his campaigns.

And — here’s my favorite part — our granddaughter Sonia is… Eby’s babysitter!

Why does any of this matter?

Eby has just been named as B.C.’s next Premier. (Similar to a U.S. governor).

He’s both capable and has charisma. Eby looks to me like future Prime Minister material.

But… Eby is a member of the NDP, Canada’s socialist party.

I can only imagine the fulminations at Fixed News if Eby ever went national.

— Recommended viewing: Check out “The Orville,” streaming on Hulu. The Seth MacFarlane sci-fi series (not my favorite genre) is an upbeat, intelligent show full of humor, splashy special effects and lavish orchestration that began on Fox five years ago, ran for two seasons and is now back, on Hulu, after a three-year pandemic break. MacFarlane stars in and directs his creation. It’s a bit of a “Star Trek” homage, with well-drawn, distinctive characters. 

Speaking of which, in theatres now: “Star Trek VIII: The Search for Oat Bran.”

— Speaking of sequels, this from comic Larry “Bubbles” Brown: “In Rocky 7, Stallone spends the entire movie fighting gravity.”

— After one mass shooting, Twitterer David Larson asked, “Why would any member of a well-regulated militia do such a thing?”

(PT alleged humorist and columnist Bill Mann is Newsmann9@gmail.com.)