An obligatory box of chocolates or bouquet of roses given this Valentine’s Day may be a romantic gesture, but one therapist said it shouldn’t be limited to just one day a year.

“I think finding those ways to give each other acknowledgment and affirmation of their connection” year-round is essential, said Craig Isenberg, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Even having a holiday, it seems less sincere at times.”

Holidays can be detrimental to romantic relationships, Isenberg said.

“I think any time there is pressure for a relationship to be something other than what it is in that moment, it can place an added strain,” said Isenberg, who owns Port Townsend Family Therapy. “There’s a common perception that Valentine’s Day is a day that love is in the air and we need to show it to our loved one in some very specific ways, or somehow the relationship or the level of caring or commitment is flawed.”

Such pressure can influence a couple to evaluate their relationship using a measure that has not typically applied to them, Isenberg said.

“If it’s not about receiving a box of chocolates, flowers and a nice dinner, then you may be in for a difficult Valentine’s Day unless expectations are discussed ahead of time,” he said.

That’s not to say all romantic gestures on holidays are to be avoided.

“Having specific times of the year to acknowledge what we have with gratitude and mindfulness can go a long way in a committed relationship,” Isenberg said. “It’s so easy to get into autopilot, especially in long-term relationships, and lose sight of what brought a couple together to begin with.”

Dates, anniversaries, shared activities and even Valentine’s Day can be a great time to take a step back to appreciate all the things couples may have stopped noticing on a day-to-day basis, Isenberg said.

“Humans naturally focus attention on things that need change or be addressed,” Isenberg said. “Taking a step back to acknowledge what is working and nice can be an important process to staying present and content in a relationship.”

Avoiding the pitfalls

“I’m a couples counselor, but not a Valentine’s Day expert, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I think the biggest faux pas would be to fall for the commercialism of it all,” Isenberg said. “Immediately after Christmas, stores beginning filling with chocolate hearts, teddy bears holding hearts, heart-shaped balloons, flowers, etc. These items have everything to do with selling to the consumer and not a whole lot to do with relationships.

“A kind gesture or gift to demonstrate love can be lovely, but it isn’t for everyone,” he added. “Talk to your partner. What is your love language? How do you express love for one another? Some people express love through gift giving, others by being of service, and others through shared experiences. Knowing your partner and their love language would be an important way to avoid a Valentine’s Day faux pas.”

Another pitfall is smothering a mate, Isenberg said.

“I think there’s a lot of pressure placed on a single day,” he said. “Rather, spread it throughout the year. Make it a daily practice to express gratitude and love. It doesn’t need to be a big event. Text your partner from work to say you had a nice time the other day, that you appreciate them,  or to share that you’re thinking of them and hope their day is going well. If you see something they would find meaningful and want to buy a gift, buy it in that moment.”

Spontaneity can be more meaningful than checking a gift off a “to do” list, Isenberg said.

“You don’t need to wait for Valentine’s Day,” he said. “Plan regular dates or shared activities. Find connection in how you communicate. Be present, check for meaning and understanding, demonstrate empathy, be supportive.”

Avoiding undue stress

To avoid the stressors on a relationship associated with Valentine’s Day, Isenberg said communication is key.

“Talk to your partner,” he said. “Ask about expectations. What’s important to them? If your partner places value on a particular Valentine’s Day tradition, that would be important to know. If they don’t place stock in the day and prefer to avoid it all together — even better. Better yet, avoid undue emotional stress all year long through effective communication. Be direct. Be assertive. Don’t make assumptions. Seek understanding rather than judgment. More often than not, I believe most of us would rather feel understood and acknowledged than agreed with.”

Relationships in peril

For relationships on the brink of collapse, learning to communicate with the aid of a trained therapist can help.

“One thing I tell clients is I don’t have an agenda, and I think that a misconception of couples counseling is that you come in and you work on romance and your love,” Isenberg said. “My goal is that my clients make decisions based on what is actually going on and not emotion from an event or misperception of what is going on.”

Isenberg and other therapists work to help couples build effective means to make sound judgments about their relationships.

“We will work a lot on getting to the point where they have the tools to be able to make decisions,” he said. “Sometimes that is a decision to separate or divorce. Sometimes it is a decision to work on areas of their relationship that aren’t functioning very well.”

Some couples already have made the decision to uncouple, and they seek help to make the process as painless as possible.

“I will get some couples that show up and are very clear they have made a decision to divorce, and they need help to make sure it stays peaceful and put their kids as a priority,” Isenberg said. “That is a best-case scenario, not the divorce part, but that they want this to be peaceful.”

Other couples may choose to work it out together.

“There are other couples where there has been some incident, whether it is infidelity or they have just grown apart and are fighting a lot,” Isenberg said. “There is a lot of conflict. So we are working on finding some ways for them to resolve some of those challenges.”

No news is good news

Often when a couple begins to mend, they may stop coming to counseling, Isenberg said.

“I don’t get a whole lot of feedback when things are going well,” he said. “A lot of times when people are doing well, they drop off the radar, and you are wondering how they are doing. Every now and then, you hear word of mouth or from the client that, ‘Wow. That really was helpful for us.’”

For more information about Port Townsend Family Therapy, call 360-301-2753 or visit www.ptfamilytherapy.com.