Bill Mann

Bill’s Electoral Yukfest: The midterm elections are finally over, and in case they didn’t come out the way we wanted, let’s try to lift spirits (or is it Halloween that lifts spirits?). 

The good news: Those preternaturally nasty political TV ads are gone, having lifted the spirits and bottom lines of broadcast license holders. 

But now we have to endure … those constant annoying ads for Medicare Advantage plans. Starring the tiresome likes of Joe Namath, William Shatner, and, gasp, Jimmy “J.J.” Walker. And who wouldn’t want to make important medical-insurance decisions based on a hack who constantly invokes his tired trademark line of 40 years ago, “Dy-No-MITE!”?

According to these slimy ads, certain MedAdvange plans (introduced years ago to basically poke holes into Medicare) can offer you extra money on your Social Security cheque, free piano lessons, free dental benefits, and free oil changes at Jiffy Lube. Hey, count me in! 

— Clever idea, thanks to Larry David on “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” one that would probably work as well here as in Larry’s base of Beverly Hills: If you’re sitting in a restaurant and want to be seated alone at a table so you can read or whatever, just doff a red MAGA hat. That’ll make most other diners cringe and avoid you. 

— The Guardian quotes a recent Lingua study saying that swearing makes you fitter and happier. It reminded me of another recent study: Q. Can you guess which country swears the most? A. Our usually polite neighbors, in Canada. Having lived in Montreal, I found it funny that swearing in Québecois French relies heavily on references to Catholic mass (i.e., Tabernak, Crisse). 

— I’ve never been a fan of running stories about gambling — Powerball, etc — on TV newscasts. I do like investor Warren Buffet’s line about lotteries…“a tax on stupidity.” 

— No time for sergeants? My old man, a career Army officer, used to say: “Sergeants run the Army.” I keep remembering his words during TV news military analyses that one of the weaknesses of the Russian army in Ukraine is that it doesn’t have NCOs — sergeants. Generals and officers, then privates. A good idea?  Nyet. 

— The Cape George speedway: Spend any time at all at the corner of Hastings and Sheridan and you’ll see incoming and outgoing traffic fly by at the city limits. So, would it kill the city to place one of those robot traffic monitors (“Your Speed Is…”) there? Probably not. A bad traffic idea: The main east-west route in Tucson is — really — Speedway Boulevard. The cops there must love THAT. 

— Jefferson Healthcare recently conducted a clinic on preventing falls, held down in Port Ludlow. Which calls to mind the old truism that sooner or later, gravity gets us all.  And the Hollywood joke that, “In Rocky 8, Sylvester Stallone will spend the entire movie fighting gravity.” 

— Only in PT would you find someone like this: I invited a guy I mentioned here recently over to watch a Seahawks game. M, we’ll  call him, has two Super Bowl rings. Not too shabby. 

I was hoping for some insights by this guy into certain plays or players as we watched. But this bright former NFL defensive lineman scarcely noticed the game. He wanted to talk about writing and philosophy. I wanted to talk about missed tackles. He picked the right place to retire. We do not have an abundance of football fans. My dental hygienist Cammy is a rare exception. She knows more about the game now than I do.

— A reader comments on the right-wing Port Townsend Free Press: “It’s priced perfectly.”

— Finally today, in case yesterday’s elections turned out in favor of the Trump-led GOP, here are a few more of Stepehen Colbert’s #HeWhoShallbeNamed nicknames for 45: Hair Fuhrer; Cult 45; Cheeto Mussolini; Jefferson Doofus; Commander in Cheeto; Oaf of Office; The Lardfather; Jackass O’Lantern; Jabba The Gut; Hair Force One; Scrooge McSchmuck; and Walker, Taxes Evader. 

Did that help you feel better now?

(PT alleged humorist Bill Mann is also known by his pseudonym Edgar Rice Chex. Reach out to Bill /Edgar at Newsmann9@gmail.com.)