Bill Mann

When the temperature hits 70, many in Port Townsend start complaining about the heat. I’m one of them.

A year ago, when we had an unprecedented heat wave and Seattle hit an all-time high of (gawd) 108, I spent the better part of three days in an air-conditioned car.

It appears that, because of our unseasonably cool and wet May, “June-Uary” was moved up a month this year. My wife complains that her garden is three weeks behind. But I liked our cool May. (Then again, she was born in Arizona.)

Speaking of that state, if I wanted it hot, I’d live in Arizona, where the license plates should read, “It’s a Dry Heat.”

This year, Phoenix went three weeks with the temperature never dropping below 80. Gawd. Phoenix even has air-conditioned storage lockers. Wouldn’t want all that crap to melt!

And when, last week, the National Weather Service said it was going to hit the high 70s here this week, I looked at our brand-new heat pump (also AC) lovingly. Never again will I face summer without AC.

This from one Phoenix newspaper reader on a blast-furnace day: “The trees don’t move. The dogs don’t move. The cat doesn’t move.”

Some Phoenix residents might be moved to move.

And our Pacific Northwest is now a favorite destination for “climate refugees.” As if our real-estate market isn’t, um, hot enough.

One funny visitor here recently tweeted: “Port Townsend is like Burning Man for septuagenarians.”

This Mann says enough, already, with the burning.

— This was cool: We moved here from pleasant Sonoma County north of San Francisco. One day, when the temperature hit over 100 in Santa Rosa, I sought refuge from the heat. I figured billionaire cartoonist Charles Schulz’  Snoopy ice arena would be a good place to cool off.

I walked in, and was astounded to see an unexpected sight, one that harkened back to Montreal, where I’d covered  the NHL: Former New York Rangers greats Walt Tkaczuc and Brad Park skating by. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Then I learned why these hockey greats were out here, far from NHL country: They were playing in Schulz’  Snoopy’s Senior World Hockey Tournament. It was a bit like spotting surfers in Anchorage in February. Years after his passing, Schulz’ seniors tourney — no hard checking allowed! — continues.

— Quite a draw the Port Angeles Lefties minor-league baseball team has this summer: Former Seahawks Pro Bowler Golden Tate, who plays outfield and leads the Lefties in hitting. Tate says he’s always loved baseball, and this certainly proves it.

— If you’d like to see dinos, check out David Attenborough’s exquisitely well-rendered new Apple+ series, “Prehistoric Planet.” It’s almost like being back in time thousands of years ago. And most names of these giant extinct species seem to start with PT — local angle! — and end, of course, with “saur.”

— Thanks to PT pool director Rowen Matkins for her lifeguard-recruiting efforts. The New York Times and TV networks are reporting numerous swimming-pool closures nationwide due to a shortage of lifeguards. But the YMCA-run pool here has managed to, well, stay afloat, and it’s busy.

— The Vanity Manatee’s (Trump’s) idiotic line recently that Jan. 6 was a “simple protest that got out of hand” reminds me of comedian David Feldman’s joke that, to Ronald Reagan, the Holocaust was “a little fraternity prank that got out of hand.”

— Want an entertaining, thoughtful showbiz read? Try “Better Call Saul” brainy star Bob Odenkirk’s new book, “Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama.” It’s as readable as the late Charles Grodin’s exquisitely titled show-biz memoir, “It Would Be So Nice If You Weren’t Here.”

— Middle Age Riot on Twitter: “Republicans: If you investigate our attempts to steal the 2020 presidential election, we’ll put you in jail after we steal the 2024 presidential election.”

— Gender Quotes: George Carlin: “Men are stupid and women are crazy. And the reason women are so crazy is because men are so stupid.” Oscar Wilde: “A woman’s guess is much more accurate than a man’s certainty.” Finally, the great Dorothy Parker: “I require only three things of a man: He must be ruthless, handsome, and stupid.”

(PT humorist Bill Mann can be found at Newsmann9@ gmail.com.)