TRUE TALES OF THE BUREAU:

The FBI has been in the news a lot lately.

The FBI wasn’t always seen in such a positive light by many of us, and a PT resident has an interesting story along those lines.

Joanie Williams, a tireless community volunteer and local Rotarian, worked at the bureau in Washington years ago.

One day, Williams recalls, she was carrying a pile of documents and got on the elevator at FBI headquarters.

“I was going up,” she says, “and the elevator suddenly braked, and all my papers went flying.”

The doors opened, and in strode legendary FBI founder J. Edgar Hoover – and his BFF, Clyde Tolson. They were also going up – by themselves, thank you. And they didn’t need no stinking badges to do so.

“I was both scared and flabbergasted,” Williams says. “I had never met The Director before.”

“I need this elevator, young lady,” barked the imperious head G-man. (You may recall that Hoover, like Fox News founder Roger Ailes, had a face like a clenched fist.)

Hoover ordered Williams to get out. Now. He’d send the elevator back down for her, chivalrous guy that he was.

“What a jerk,” says Williams, who added that Hoover almost never came out of his office. “He was awful.”

“I left the FBI after my one-year contract expired,” Williams says. “That was all I could take.”

HOW COLD IS IT?

I devoted an entire chapter of my Canadian joke book to, appropriately enough, cold-weather gags. It was bloody cold up in Montreal; during one frigid winter up there, we went 42 days in a row without the temp once reaching freezing. (Its metric equivalent, 0 degrees, sounds even colder.) A Montreal TV weatherman’s signature line was “Bring all your brass monkeys indoors tonight.”

With seemingly half the population here having gotten out of Dodge to warmer, sunnier climes (I’d never heard of popular PT desert winter destination Borrego Springs until moving to PT), those left behind could use some succor from the cold. Two faves from my book:

1. It’s so cold … (how cold is it?) ... people are jumping into burning buildings.

And ... (caveat: my book came out years ago) ...

2. It’s so cold ... people are standing next to pictures of the Nixon family for warmth.

DEPT. OF OBLIGATORY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:

• Cut back on the calories. I’m tired of having my shower curtain let out.

• Resist the urge to drive to Silverdale mainly for Trader Joe’s. (C’mon, those cookies aren’t that good.)

• While in Silverdale, be sure to never wear a bright red shirt in Target.

Finally, I resolve to cut back on the cheap and easy Sequim jokes while working at the Visitor Center. Like the one about its Chamber of Commerce pamphlet titled “Things to Do in Sequim.” When you open it, it says, “You’re doing it!”

CRWTH IS A WORD?

You might – might – have known that if you were a really competitive Scrabble player. Drawing a blank? That’s actually a good thing in Scrabble. I’ll bet local children’s book author and Scrabble whiz Patrick Jennings, who often scores 500 points in a game, knows that word. (It’s a Celtic instrument, kids.) Do come and join us word junkies at the Scrabble Club on Fridays at 3:30 p.m. at Better Living Through Coffee. Boards provided. But please – no brailing. (That’s cheating by reaching into the bag and feeling the letters.)

ARRAN GO BRAGH:

You know you’re living in a place with a lot of seniors when the biggest lunch crowds in town congregate at the hospital cafeteria. Thanks to chef Arran Stark, the food is good and the menus are even trendy sounding. And it’s surprisingly inexpensive.

Plus, where else can you see your GP, cardiologist, radiologist and phlebotomist, all without an appointment?

These quality, low-priced hospital lunches, understandably, attract a lot of us tightwads who know a bargain when we see one.

Speaking of which, I love the witty Dorothy Parker’s classic definition of a cheapskate: a guy who throws nickels around like manhole covers.

Have a happier 2018!

Port Townsend resident Bill Mann has been humor columnist for CBS MarketWatch.com and USA Today. He’s always on the lookout for funny items – and funny people. Contact him at newsmann9@gmail.com.