Bill Mann

Funny books and reading matter are my perennial favorites. Especially good writers like Joe Queenan, P.J. O’Rourke, and Christopher Buckley. 

I’m always looking for funny reading, and I’ve just found a new — and highly unlikely — source: Our Official Voters’ Pamphlet for the Aug. 2 election, of all places. Sounds about as funny as the phone book, right? 

No. It’s much funnier. And for turning me on to this I thank my neighbor Steve, who quotes Elvis Costello about this latest crop of office-seeking jamokes:

“I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused.“

Granted, the voters’ pamphlet that may well be sitting unread on your kitchen counter, destined for the trash — as mine was — is not exactly a page-turner, but some of it is quite amusing, if not informative. The section of U.S. Senate candidates wanting to replace veteran Patty Murray is especially funny. A few entries written by the aspirants: 

— From Dave Saulibio, of the putative JFK Republican Party: “Vote your unhappy wallet a Senator who will sponsor tried and true policies that foster prosperity.” (grammar check, anyone?)

— From Sam Cusmir (Prefers Democratic Party) comes this interesting coinage: “His successfulness (sic) has attracted him to running for office.” 

— From Bill Hirt (Prefers Republican) come these gems: “Portending even worse debacles… my goal to expose;” Also: “believes teaching CRT doesn’t benefit students” (you just knew CRT would pop up); and “this country only emits 15 percent of the planet’s CO2.” (Only?)

— Jon Butler, Independent Party: “I’ve was a chef,” Also: “Furthermore, somethings that has been on my heart to do.” 

Why so many of these people can’t be bothered to have someone read or copy edit their campaign material is a bit of a mystery. (Unless, that is, they want to be seen as functionally illiterate.)

— Making a hash of it: Martin D. Hash, another Senate candidate from No Party Preference, proclaims GRANDLY: “As the world’s only-ever simultaneously licensed doctor, lawyer, accountant, and engineer, plus business owner and creative (Sic).” Hash also says inelegantly he “cannot be bribed, extorted, and have no vices.” 

— Here is one Thor Amundson, who lists under Professional Experience (really) “watching C-SPAN for 30 Years.” (Thor deserves a medal for his allegiance to The Network That Dares to Be Dull). He pledges “to make C-SPAN more entertaining,” which would be quite a feat. And as his capper, this Thor Loser vows to “bring our Washington orca back from Florida.” Shave The Whales! 

— U.S. Senate candidate Chuck Jackson, who “Prefers Independent Party,” lists under Elected Experience “has read the Constitution and the Bill of Rights,” (making him a shoo-in for a Presidential Medal of Freedom?). He refers to the two major parties as “the Elephants and Asses.” (Sure you’re not a Republican, Chuck?) He adds, “Your kids and grandkids have gotten Fleeced!” (Is there a proofreader in the room?)

— One Ravin (sic) Pierre, who prefers Democrat, thunders this: “F***Qanon. F***Vladimir Putin.” (No exclamation points?) He vows that “if I serve more than two terms in office, I go to prison” and that, like the police, “I will be the first politician to wear a bodycam, to record all interactions with lobbyists.” He repeats that he’ll be the only politician in the country “offering a fulltime bodycam AND a term-limits contract.” He ends his brochure pitch with — catch this — “Peace *mic drop*” 

— Closer to home, District 6 U.S. House candidate Chris Binns (prefers Republican) insists “Men don’t vote democrat!” He then refers to “the myth of man-made climate crisis.” Chris obviously wants to Own the Libs. 

— Union Party candidate for Secretary of State Kurtis Engle has my favorite bit of candor when he notes that he would still be in Centralia “if the police chief hadn’t ‘suggested’ I leave town.” He then makes this dire prediction: “If certain dominoes fall certain ways, we could have half a million Chinese troops in Western Washington.” Commanded by General Tso? 

Quote of the week comes from Jennifer Yane: “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” 

(Registered voter and intentional humorist Bill Mann is Newsmann9@gmail.com.)