Ned Luce

You of faint heart might have thought I had little to report to you this week given all the COVID restrictions.

Well I have a report for you on Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving of 2021, next year.

The following is a review of some of the things we will know one year from now. 

My wife, BJ, has put together 4,012 puzzles, each a minimum of 1,500 pieces. She did all this while watching 77 Hallmark movies. I now have 132 opponents in “Words with Friends” winning almost all the games by utilization of an online “cheat.” This is why BJ calls me a cheater, not for any other reason!

The significant shortage of turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner is now blamed for the cancellation of Turkey Trots across the country. On a separate but related subject, Americans’ home freezers are now stuffed with zucchini bread. Alexa adamantly refuses to play anything other than Thanksgiving music followed by an admonition to “go vegan.” I think the turkeys are in charge. 

Families are now reminiscing about the joy they experienced in 2020 while eating dinner in the garage with the door open thereby requiring long underwear and earmuffs. The primary benefit being that the earmuffs reduced hearing the heated political conversations. 

It was noted this week that former President Donald Trump was finally found desperately clinging to the plumbing in the swimming pool underneath the press briefing room in the White House. Nancy Pelosi dragged him to daylight as he kissed her and then tweeted something about a fraud.  

Global warming fears have sparked new regulations prohibiting wood stoves, BBQ grills, any piece of equipment with an internal combustion engine, and political pundits. 

Some guy named Rudy declared his candidacy for President of the United States.

Strong criticism of the proposed roundabout for the intersection of Paradise Bay Road and Highway 104 has resulted in the installation of a roundabout at the intersection of Paradise Bay Road and Highway 104. 

Shortages of toilet paper over the past year have caused a boom in the purchase and installation of bidets in the U.S. China’s booming economy credits the unexpected demand for bidets in the U.S. 

With the COVID-19 pandemic appearing to be under control the residents of Port Ludlow have irresponsibly scheduled a “mask burning” ceremony in the area adjacent to the Village Center the Friday after Thanksgiving instead of the traditional Christmas tree lighting. Marshmallows for s’mores will be available. Bill Dean will be heard singing Delbert McClinton’s “I ain’t old, I’ve just been around a long time.”

The average age of Port Ludlow residents has dropped from 66 years old to 37 years old as younger people move in from Seattle and California. The results are astounding as housing prices have skyrocketed
173 percent, Chimacum schools have absorbed
4,213 more students, baby buggies have replaced walkers and six local real estate agents have made the list of the 100 richest Americans. A related development is that Active Life Physical Therapy has closed due to a lack of patients. 

However, not to worry, Active Life owner Michael Haberpointer won the Powerball Lottery and shared his newly found wealth with his former employees and a few favored former patients. 

In sports news BJ fondly recalls DePauw burying Wabash in the family fantasy football league coordinated by one of the grandsons last year. It should be noted that Wabash dominated this year’s game by the score of 305 to 0. The Kansas City Chiefs beat the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl 112 to 10. BJ, Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson were all heard yelling, “Wait ‘til next year!”

Love a curmudgeon, have a great Thanksgiving and don’t believe a word of the above, except for the Rudy thing. 

(Ned Luce is a retired IBM executive who lives in Port Ludlow and excitedly awaits spendings hours doing circles in the Paradise Bay Road-Highway 104 roundabout.)